Cripes alive it's been a while. But one Christmas, one birthday, an ailing laptop and a couple more ill-advised romantic dalliances later and I'm back. Tail between my cyber legs. Laptop really is unhappy though so this is no great trumpeting fanfare of a return. A mere cheery hello and swift retreat.

Allez les oeufs!

My campaign to infiltrate the British media with all things doggy continues - I'm going to be in Cosmo in order to get Dogs Trust coverage. PHOTOSHOOT 'N' ALL! I will be with a lovely 3 legged Lurcher called Elvis. A little bit afraid and feel like I need to have a shot or two of gin to relax in front of that hideous, phallic, all-blemish-revealing camera lens. They're also doing my hair and makeup - hoping for X Factor-esque layers of face paint and bouffante hair. If they dress me in a skirt suit I might laugh my way out of it.

Today I am tired but pleased. Also there is a Spanish omelette on the way - this is a good thing.

I really am rubbish at this - it's been weeks since I've written anything. All sorts have happened - a marriage, reunion with long lost brother, family health scare, TV appearance, offer to be in Cosmo magazine... However most pertinent in my mind tonight is the fact that in the past week I have lost:

beloved horse brooch
Oyster card
diary
mind

I'm starting to think a magpie is following me around. That, or a stalker. Either is incredibly annoying and even tidying my room hasn't revealed the treasure.

I do anything for you, dear

Yesterday I did a two hour charity spinathon and it didn't actually hurt my legs or lungs or anything. I'm told the effects will be felt tomorrow instead - so at Chris and Tova's wedding I may well be hobbling about. If so, I hope the hobbling stays until Friday so my Edith Piaf costume will be all the more authentic...

Also yesterday I saw two rasta painter and decorators on their lunch break. I was buying natural yogurt from Iceland (possibly the only thing Kerry Katona wouldn't eat from there), they were getting cleaning products. I ended up walking behind them in the street and ahoy a marvellous cliche - they were smoking a spliff. I'm sure their paint strokes were ever so louche yesterday afternoon.

ALSO yesterday (I probably should've written this yesterday), I bought around twenty bananas for a quid from Chapel St market. I have just baked a glut of banana-based goods, and tomorrow's breakfast will be a banana smoothie, with banana bread and banana biscuit on the side. Yellow skin is SEXY.

And today? Today I was interviewed by three young whippersnapper journalists, in front of around twenty journalism students. Much less horrible than I thought it would be.

Tonight

• I got noticeably tipsy on one glass of wine


• Eliot told me a long anecdote about poo


• I baked cupcakes


• I am listening to The Knife

Rien de rien

I think I will dress up as Edith Piaf for Hallowe'en.

Slow Club